On Infidelity and My Fear of Commitment: Why I Cancelled My Own Wedding

Why do people cheat?

This seems like one of those questions that people ask themselves at least once in their life—whether they were the ones who did the cheating, the ones who’d been cheated on, or ‘just because’. In fact, the issue of infidelity is such a surefire way of rousing emotions in the general public, especially on women, that a lot of books, movies, and TV shows have incorporated the concept in their plots. (‘Two Wives’, ‘No Other Woman’, ‘The Legal Wife’, anyone?)

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So, really, why do people do it?

Some say that it’s due to loss of love, boredom, the thrill of the chase and the forbidden, etc. etc… As someone who had been in the shoes of the wronged woman, I highly frown upon anyone who has ever done the act. The heartache, emotional and psychological trauma, and ruined lives that the act has caused—there’s just no amount of apologies and alibis that could erase them, is there?

It would be hypocrite, though, to not admit that the thought of engaging in the forsaken act has crossed my mind. To avenge my wounded pride and make the other person feel the way I’d been made to feel? Probably. To experience first-hand how it is on the other side of the door? Could be. Or simply to succumb in the temptation and bask in the attraction that someone else has shown me? Possibly. Whatever the reason, I’m proud to say that I’d never acted upon these impulses. Love, the ‘golden rule’ and all that cliché…  I can’t really promise that I absolutely NEVER would, though. I'm human after all and there’s so much that could happen. However, this afternoon, I came across an article on Huffington Post that gave me a new perspective on the topic of infidelity. 

In “I love my husband, but here’s why I want to cheat”, Elloa Atkinson discussed her struggle with her attraction towards another man who’s not her husband, and how she survived it through honesty. You can click through the link to read it in full, but my biggest takeaway would be:

“I was afraid of love. I know it might look like I was looking for love, but I was really following what A Course in Miracles describes as "the ego's dictate": seek and do not find.

What drove this attraction… was a hidden belief that love is dangerous. That if I fully dive into my love for my husband, it will engulf me, swallow me whole. There'll be no "me" left…

What drove this attraction was a subconscious drive, handed down through generations of women in my family, to sabotage happiness and push love away. I'm one of the lucky ones, married to my soul mate. This cannot possibly last. I must create trouble at base camp.”

I’m a very introspective person and I’ve long realized that I have a fear of commitment. Recently, I’ve been going through an existential crisis that’s made me question all of my life’s decisions, including the path that my love life’s been taking. You see, I was supposed to be married last year, but I had been cheated on. In the end, I still chose to forgive and stay with my significant other through it all, and even though there are still a few bumps on the road, I could safely say that, like Atkinson said, “nothing drastic” was happening. Our wedding was supposed to finally happen this December, but a few months ago, I decided that I no longer wanted to.

A friend asked me why I decided such a thing when I used to be so heartbroken during that dark period of my life. Like I told her, it’s not that I wanted to break up with my boyfriend; I just didn’t want us to tie the knot yet. Honestly, I never really wanted to get married in the first place. I’ve always believed that one way or another, sooner or later, couples separate. Whether it be due to death, or breakup.

I came from a broken family of broken families. My parents are separated, my mom’s mother left her with her dad and grandma, my dad’s father died when he was young. My friends, coworkers—most of the people I knew—came from broken families. That’s why I don’t have too much faith in marriage ‘coz I know that it’s not “the answer to everything”.

In my opinion, women—or at least most of us—go through a phase in our lives when we feel compelled to get married and/or start a family. For some reason, we seem to equate marriage with stability in life. I used to be in that phase myself, but I seemed to have gotten over it now. I came to realize that the decision to get married last year was just brought on by the fact that our families wanted us to do it, and by my own fear of losing my beloved. I was willing to be tied in a possibly loveless marriage, but I realized that the security that marriage has to offer is only an illusion. In a blink of an eye—or a bat of enticing eyes—you could lose the person you love.

Temptations come our way, both my boyfriend’s and mine. I know that someone else would be willing to take my place as soon as I'm out of the picture, and there’s also someone else who’d been waiting for me. During this “crisis” I'm going through, I started to wonder whether I should have let go when he wanted me to. Would we have been happier apart, with other people? Make no mistake; I still love my boyfriend so much. It’s just that I'm starting to wonder whether I made the right decision or not.

As I've mentioned, I’ve thought about cheating, too, once or twice, and reading Atkinson’s article made me realize why I did so. Humans seem to be burdened by the curse of desire. We strive to achieve something, cling to it harder in fear of losing it, and when we finally get it, we move on to desiring something more. There’s just no end to our wants. I chose to stay with my boyfriend even through all the cheating—even to the point of wanting to marry him just to make him stay—and when I finally got him back,  when our relationship was finally sailing smoothly, I wanted to step back. Just when things are finally getting serious and stable, I wanted to break free in fear of being engulfed. It was the “unconscious drive to sabotage happiness and push love away” that Atkinson was talking about. 

Atkinson’s article is one of the most enlightening things I’ve ever read. It still doesn’t justify unfaithfulness, but it made me realize that the thoughts of infidelity that’s been playing around in my head are the result of my personal, underlying issues, and hurting and losing the person I love the most is just not worth it. Everyone has their own problems, but it’s still up to me whether I would allow those to govern my life, or I would overcome them and choose to be happy.